theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
my god I love twenty year old dicks
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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