I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
