if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
