ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
