thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
