Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize