I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
