tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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