Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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