I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
