Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
