all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize