That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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