Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
