Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
