I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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