If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
