Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize