if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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