yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
