textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
