I cut my penus on the lid.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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