People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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