I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
