i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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