you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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