She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
