i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
