Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
