if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
