I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
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