There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
