I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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