i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
