Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
