What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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