I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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