Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
