people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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