So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
