Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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