Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
