You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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