Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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