How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
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