I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
