If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
