Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
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