hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
