I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
