worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
