its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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