I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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