just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
