when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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