is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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