"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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