Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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