new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
