i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
