I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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